It hit me today – I have 17 days left.

The co-workers from the contracted position that ends on the Nov 1st are wanting detailed step-by-step of what I do
I am…conflicted… they feel that they don’t need me, so why would I tell them what I did and HOW to do it.  If they don’t need me – they can figure it out on their own, but that is not how I am, so I will give them a list, and tell them how… but I’ll be upset with myself for doing it.

I just spent the past two days at the “central office” going through training on updates to the accounting system, etc.  Apparently no one told the trainers that I’m being eliminated.  I did ask my “so-called – I.think.he.is.my.boss.but.i’m.not.sure”  and yes they would cover the expenses and yes I should go, so I did.  I spent the whole time in the meeting feeling as if I was wasting my time, and thinking, well crap, is this really important?  why should I try to even begin to understand, because in 17 days, I might not be there anyway.  (And that attitude?  is not mine)

I spent the day at a conference that I normally love, because it is an opportunity to meet with counterparts and celebrate all that we do – because we understand what we do, wondering if I should be saying “good-bye, I’ve loved having the opportunity to work with you, and I appreciate all that you have done to help me, etc” – or if  “see-ya next time, and talk to you on the next connect session”… is good enough?

I went with the “see-ya”… I don’t want them to know.  I’m not strong enough yet.  I can’t even type that I “might not be there” without tears in my eyes, I am completely heartbroken over it.  Even after all the crap I’ve been put through, even after all the BS I’ve put up with….I can’t visualize myself somewhere else.  How does a person do that?  How does a person after they have put their heart and soul into a project/job etc just be done, and let someone else take their “baby” and watch them screw it up?  I don’t know how.

I spent the afternoon of the conference informing a presenter, that perhaps she might want to re-think her presentation.  The group she was presenting to, just wasn’t engaging her, they weren’t responding to her questions etc.  No one wanted to tell her the truth, that six months ago we were all 5’s, and now – with all the uncertainty that we were facing – we were 1’s and for her to say – if you are a 1 – you need to rethink why you are there – perhaps you need a different job, was demeaning to all of us.

But I did.  I said “I think what you need to do is ask – how we would rate ourselves before April 30th, and how would we rate ourselves now”… amazing how the conversation started, and she got what she wanted, and we got what we needed.  (yeah, I’m not shy)

Now if someone could just tell me how to make it not hurt, and how to make my heart understand “budget cuts”, and it’s not “me”, that “I” didn’t do something wrong, etc…. I’d really appreciate it.

Because I haven’t figured that out yet.  I have not figured out how to make it okay, and I have roughly 17 days to get there.

To be OK.

If I’m not offered the new position (that contains everything I used to do), or offered a new job with a different company within that time frame… well I just have to get there.  I have two kids that are going to be watching how I handle myself, so I have no option but to be successful, or pretend to be.