I haven’t forgotten.
I will never forget.
The fear, the worry.
The waiting.
Waiting for phone calls, the relief.
The sadness. The grief.
In remembrance of those who ran in, and didn’t come back out.
In remembrance of those who were at their desks or at their station, doing their job.
In remembrance of those who were simply, in the wrong place at the wrong time.
In remembrance of those who were on the planes, just trying to get home, or go on a business trip.
In remembrance of those who were above the impact and knew they never had a chance of getting out.
In honor of those who waited for the injured to come, and then didn’t know what to do when they didn’t.
In honor of those who donated blood.
In honor of those who prayed.
In honor of those who went to ground zero on a rescue mission, and then continued on the recovery.
In honor of those families who are continually in our thoughts.
In honor of the sons and daughters who are missing their daddy’s and momma’s.
I remember.
May my children live to see the day when we are not at war.
May my children live to see the day when all people are treated with respect.
May my children live to see peace.
Tonight I was discussing some changes that will be happening at work with the hubby. The kids were in the process of taking things in from the table to the kitchen. The hubby made a comment that he was tempted to attend the next board meeting to tell them they were idiots (but we all know that no good comes from a spouse showing up at a board meeting… so that isn’t going to happen.) It’s what Pan said that is breaking my heart.
Pan: “Yeah, Dad, maybe I can go with you and tell them that I never see my mom, that she is always in meetings, or working 24/7.”
before I could say anything, he turned and went into the house.
my heart – is broken, and feeling like a failure as a mom… yep, got that.
I am so gonna win that Mother of the Year award, this evening totally secures it.
It’s time for me to find another job, I’ve known this for a while.
I survived the busiest time of the year for my office, not only did I have my fiscal year end. Annual Meetings at the main office, but we had our “fair”. Which is basically a week of hell.
Saturday the 16th – 7:00 to 6:00
Sunday – 4:00 to 7:00
Monday – 7:00 to 3:00 - and then 6 to 7:00
Tuesday – 7:00 to midnight
Wednesday 7:00 to 11:30 – - shoveled shit for two hours – ruined my favorite pair of tennis shoes.
Thursday – 6:30 to 11:00 – made close to $12K at an auction for my company.
Friday – 6:30 to 12:30 - -this is the day that nosammyno was taken to the vet and not brought home. I miss her greatly…but it was time. I know it in my head, but in my heart, not so much. miss her (don’t tell the hubby, he’ll never let me live it down.) The girl is missing sammy, she claimed her collar and put it on her stuffed animal Lucy… Hard day. and I stayed on the grounds while we were under a server storm warning, and had high winds, etc, administered first aid to a lady who freaked out while in the concrete bathroom…all the while I was SOAKED to the bone; lets just say the county sheriff gave me crap the next day because he was impressed I could dry out and clean up – ruined a second pair of shoes.
Saturday – 6:45 to 7:00 PM
Sunday – 9:00 to 4:00
and then I have a full week this week…I am exhausted.
So you want to know why my filter isn’t working? Because I’m sick of people whining, complaining, and making it all about them, and not seeing the big picture. I’m tired of staff not doing what they are supposed to do, and making up their own rules.
Pan turns 11 today, he came into this world via emergency c-section at 12:58 AM on July 14th. He is an amazing kid!
Wow. 11.
When I was pregnant with him, I couldn’t wait for him to be here.
I couldn’t wait for him to take naps, sleep through the night, hold his bottle, eat baby food, and then table food.
I couldn’t wait for him to crawl, and then walk, I couldn’t wait for him to use his words.
I couldn’t wait for him to like books, and read on his own.
I couldn’t wait for him to be able to walk to and from school.
I couldn’t wait for him to be able to do more things for himself….
and now I’m wondering why I have spent 11 year of his life rushing the stage he was in.
Why didn’t I just enjoy rocking him to sleep.
Whey didn’t I just enjoy reading “Good Night Moon” and “Guess How much I love you?” a million times over.
Why didn’t I just enjoy that he needed me and wanted me to walk with him to school, or make sure the daycare got him there?
In this – his 11th year – I promise to quiet the little voice in my head that says “I can’t wait for him to….” I am going to enjoy this stage, and this time of where he is cool with giving me a huge hug and kiss before I leave and when I come home. That telling me “love you, Mom” in front of friends, is still okay.
I’m not wishing this year away little man, I’m glad you are at the stage you are. And I’m proud of all that you have accomplished and all that you can do. You are one amazing kid, very talented and you are “awesomesauce”. Love you much!
Happy Birthday, Pan!
Life continues to happen in my little corner of the world.
I’m not dead yet. (Although one would never know it from my lack of posts or worthwhile comments etc.) And I’m not looking at dying anytime soon.
So that means, Life is continuing to happen.
I’m dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt, and following the wise words of “The Gambler”
You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away, and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for counting, when the dealin’s done.
Right now – I’m holding….
I think I have found the balance that I’ve been looking for, and that makes a difference.
I have a new motto:
“Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. ”
Weekends are not for resting. Apparently they are for fixing the house. Can’t wait until the basement is done. What started as – we really should take the carpet off the stairs and the landing – ending up being – taking down all the wonderful 1970′s paneling and beautiful candy stripe carpet in a portion of the basement – unfortunately – the steps – still have carpeting on them. I think this will change by the weekend. (I hope).
Have a busy week ahead.
having a job sucks.
But since I need to have a job, and in this part of the world jobs that I am qualified to do, and make the money that I make are far and few between. So I have to smile and make the best of it.
Sometimes the way I deal with it – is to write a blog post.
Because sometimes you need to climb to the top of the highest tree to see all of the forest.
Keep climbing Tink, keep climbing.*
This past weekend, Tink was playing in the grove on my Grandparents farm, I wonder how many kids have climbed those trees, and how many stories those branches hold, the sorrows, and the joys. If trees could talk what stories would they tell?
*yes, she is wearing flip-flops, and it was very windy, and in the 80′s on Sunday.
