Never have I felt that I have lost so much and gained just as much in a week’s time.

On Thursday night, I got the call from my mom, my Grandma was in the hospital, and if I could – I might want to come up on Friday after work, or Saturday.  Any sleep I did get was not at all restful.

On Friday morning, I got a second call – The doctor was telling my mom to call in the family.  Grandma wanted to go surrounded by her family.  So on Friday I went into the office, and got done as much as I needed to.  Without asking, without wanting to wait, I headed up north.  Calling Mr. I as I was on the road, letting him know that I didn’t know what time I’d be home, but I’d be home in time for Lego League on Saturday.

I got there at 3:00  and walked into hospital hallway filled with family – and I mean FILLED, they were in the room with Grandma, in the room at the end of the hall – we had the wing to the family, basically entire hospital wing was filled with my family.  And doctors orders were – the room was to be filled with family as much as possible, and it was.  I sat by her bed and held her hand.  Kept her cool with a wash cloth, and doing what could be done to keep her comfortable.   The only time I wasn’t holding her hand, I was with my mom.  My Dad was on a work-site and wasn’t able to leave right away.  He would end up getting there late Friday night.  I stayed there until midnight- got home about 2 a.m.

Saturday – Made blueberry muffins to take to Lego League (9 to 12); and then we took Tink to Chuck*.e.* cheese for her birthday, after putting together my first ever homemade lasagna and putting it into the oven, I went back up north.  Leaving home at 5:30 pm.  Grandma was slowing fading, and my sister was certain, if I made good time…  Again I went in, said my good-byes, I love you’s and talked to her.  I held her hand, and we talked about fishing at the cabin, all the memories, playing in the leaves, and just lazy Sunday afternoons sitting her in living room with the winter sun coming in the windows.  We talked about heaven, and how it was time for her to go be with Grandpa Ray, that he was waiting for her.  (Okay, I talked, she smiled, patted my hand, winked and occasionally said something.)  She was most talkative at night.  She would have periods of quiet – but then there would be times when she would talk, picking up pieces of conversation where she fell asleep during, or that we were having in the room.

By the time I arrived Saturday the only ones at the hospital were my family – my Mom, Dad, two older sisters and two younger brothers.  We sat as a family around her bed, we held hands and said prayers, sang, and as weird as it sounds we encouraged Grandma to walk up the golden stairs to be with Grandpa.  To take her son’s hand and walk up the stairs.  She would say – “No, I can’t walk the stairs.”  and my sister told her – “Grandma, your legs and knees will work, you can do it.!”  All the while we sat there with tears streaming down our faces, wanting her stay, yet knowing it was time for her to go.  She would talk – only it wasn’t to us, we all knew she was talking to her daddy & mama, her son, and Grandpa Ray.  It was the most beautiful and heartbreaking experience.

Saturday at 1:30 in the morning, I had to come home.  We were supposed to be at a family function for my Dad’s side of the family by noon, there was no way I would be able to function, I had to get some sleep.  I got home around 2:30/3:00 ish – fell into bed, and tried to sleep.  Sleep finally came around 4.

Sunday 8:00 a.m. – I wake up to realize that I’ve slept longer than I should – as I needed to make something to take to the family potluck, and we would have to leave the house in an hour to be there at a reasonable time.  The debate going on in my head was – should we (my family) stop at the hospital before going to hometown for dinner.  At which point, my sister L calls – she says, yes, come bring the kids…. and then Sister K calls – she says – I’m headed home, baby brother has headed home, the only ones at the hospital are our Aunts and Uncles, and my sis L, and my brother B – but they have nowhere else to go.  We decide not to go to the hospital….and then I start yawning, and Mr. I looks at me and says – “You know it’s okay to stay home”… and the phone rang, older sis L was saying, you know – if you don’t want to do anything today – maybe you should say home.   We did.  I took a short nap.  (2 hrs of sleep)

5:20 – I get a call from my Dad…. at 5:15 on Sunday night Grandma went to Heaven to be with Grandpa.  Sunday Night, I slept horribly -

Monday – I slept horribly…

Tuesday – slept horribly

Wednesday – the day of the funeral – at this point, I’ve probably had 33 hours of sleep since last Thursday.   I’m emotionally spent.  I miss my Grandma horribly, and I think I’ve watched my mom age 10 years over the past few days … this has been incredibly hard on her….

A shock to me – my regional director attended the funeral, he along with my regional counterparts sent the most beautiful yellow mum; and the gals from the office sent a peace lily with an angel.

I took Thursday and Friday off with the hopes that I would rest, and ‘catch up’ on some sleep.  I did get some sleep on Thursday, and Friday we worked around the house.  Note to self:  When I’m sad, I shouldn’t be allowed to trim the shrubs around the yard.  I told Mr. I that they should come back next spring.  I know you are only supposed to take 1/3 of the growth off at a time, but they really needed to be cut back.  The shrubs were probably 10 feet tall, and now are closer to 4 feet.

Saturday the in-laws came and spent some time with the kids.  This is the first time we’ve spoken to them since June.  It went okay, a little uncomfortable, but it was okay.   Of course to me it felt as if there was a big elephant standing in the corner of the room, that everyone was pretending wasn’t there.  The kids were happy to see Papa and G’ma; and in the end I guess that is all that matters.

I’m hoping today I can get some sleep, because with the week I have coming at me – if I don’t get some sleep – I’ll end up sick, and I don’t have time for that.

Remember to tell your loved ones you love them, and Life is tooo short.

In just four days – Oct 11, my baby girl, Tink will be 8.

The plan – to celebrate her birthday on Saturday – take her and her little friend to Chuck E Cheese and let them play for hours….

Sounds good right?

Tonight I got a phone call from my mom, her mom, my Grandma -is in the hospital.  Her admitting diagnosis?     Acute Renal Failure, CO2 retention, URI, Congestive Heart Failure..

Reality – she probably has 24 to 48 hours.  My heart is breaking.   I have certain things I have to do tomorrow at work, once they are done, I want to go to the hospital.  I don’t know that I can.

My head knows, that she is ready to go be with Grandpa.  She has missed him greatly since the day he died.   Why is it that while my head knows things, my heart can’t seem to listen.

I will only have two grandparents left.  Only two.  When I was born – I had 9 grandparents…  And I knew all of them except 1 – he died when I was two.     This particular set of grandparents made me feel as if I was the most important grandchild, the most important person in their world.  They loved my husband, because I love him.  They accepted people into their home, without judging them.  They loved each other with their whole hearts… and the world was a better place, my world was a better place because of them.

I am going to miss her.  I just don’t want her to die on Tink’s birthday… my great-grandma died on my sweet 16… I’ve hated my birthday ever since, it reminds me of such a sad time…

Somehow in the next few days I have to convince my heart to listen to my head.  I have to find a way to say it’s okay…

(You know this whole circle of life thing – it really sucks.  It just plain sucks)

Look – breast cancer sucks.  It’s painful, the treatments make you sick, you lose your hair, you vomit, you are weak, dizzy, etc. etc…. sometimes the “cure” can cause other issues that make losing your hair, the least of your worries.  Please be pro-active.  Do monthly exams.

Know what is normal, and what isn’t.  If you find something that isn’t, and you don’t like what the doctor says – ask for a second opinion.  Because seriously, sometimes a second opinion is a good thing.

Don’t want to do it?  Can’t be bothered?

Ask your spouse, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

My sister got married this past weekend.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ceremony.  I’ve never been to a more meaningful, wedding ceremony.  The bride and groom couldn’t take their eyes off each other.

She is so lucky to have found him, and he is so lucky to have found her.  They are the links that they were missing in each other’s life.  Just a beautiful, beautiful day.

Pan is in the 5th grade.  In our part of the world, band starts in 5th grade.  Our school district is well known throughout the state for their band program – have been champions in several divisions for several years.  (at least the last 12 years that we’ve lived in town.)

Band is an elective, it’s not required, they only want the kids that want to be there, there.  I hated band – my parents made me take piano, made me take band, and I was miserable.  Why?  I’m not the talented one – my brother was.  So Pan brings home a note a few weeks ago, they will be testing the students during the school day and then they will have a parent meeting to let us know what instrument the student is “qualified” to play.   WTH?  You mean they have to qualify to be in band, and then qualify for an instrument?  The child doesn’t get to just play what they want?  Apparently not.

Pan wasn’t sure what he wanted play.  I didn’t encourage him one way or the other.  Frankly, I was hoping he would say he didn’t want to, because seriously – BAND? yeah…  He was excited – wanted to play the sax, wanted to play the trumpet… but he really, really, really wanted to play percussion – and the drums, yes, specifically the drums.

And drums/percussion won.

So off to the ‘big city’ to buy the sticks ($75 worth) and rent the practice set … and the kid has rhythm, he can read music, he has a talent.

So as his parent it’s my job to listen to him practice, to sign his permission form to miss sections of class each week for lessons,  and the kid is so excited.  The sparkle in his eye?  yeah it’s there, the fact that he speaks about his band teacher Mrs. L with a little bit of awe… as in I’m guessing he thinks she could move mountains.  It’s my job to support this dream, and not put my hatred of band on to him.   I have to remember, he may be my child, but he is his own person.

As a parent, it’s my job to nurture, to love and to help those dreams come true.  Not to mention, it’s important that he arrive early some days for practice with the older students, will it be a hassle?  You bet….but no matter, somehow it will all work out, because our number one priority as his parent is him.  (and in 3 years when it’s Tink’s turn, we’ll handle it the same way, because this is working for us.)

Yep, it’s official  I’m a  … *gulp* … a band parent.

Life continues, which is a good thing.  My Grandfather used to say – “Any day you wake up and are above ground is a good one.”  While there are times when I question that thought, truly it is better to be alive then dead.

Have a lot on my plate, I’m trying to find that balance between what the higher ups expect/demand in order to keep my job, and doing what is best for my family.  Sometimes I feel as if I’m not enough for any of it.  Just need another 8 or so hours in a day.  Just when I think I have a handle on it, I realize I don’t, and I never will.

How people do it all, I’ll never know.  I’m not perfect, and never will be.  I just hope that my imperfections aren’t so big that I end up losing it all.

But all the same… It’s a great day to be alive.

That about sums it up.  Doesn’t it?

Life Happens,

Crap Happens.

Joy Happens.

Cancer  Happens.

A Cure Happens.

Death Happens.

What about those things that you can see coming, and you are just not sure if you should do anything to make them stop?  Do you try to stop them?  Or do you just let them happen?

Do you tell the kid who is standing in a canoe, to sit down, or let them fall, perhaps into the water?

Because you telling them they are going to fall doesn’t mean anything at all – but spending the day in wet clothes, perhaps that is something they will remember.

Just so you know – if you stand straight up in the middle of a canoe, and try to walk to the other end, without having someone help balance the canoe – you will fall in the water.  And you will get wet, and have to walk around all afternoon in wet shoes and socks, and clothes.

Yes, you can tell a 5th grader that they need to sit, or that they need to walk “low” and use the sides to balance.  But some boys?  They don’t listen, and they’ll fall in, and they’ll get wet, soaked actually.

(Thankfully, Pan did listen, but some of his classmates, did not!)

Today is September 11th….

We haven’t forgotten…

I can’t believe Pan is in 5th Grade.  Look at that smirk, he didn’t want his picture taken, but he ‘suffered’ through it for me…he is such a good kid!

And Tink…. is in 2nd.

What happened to my babies?  They are growing so fast.

Pan’s first day was on Monday.  Tink’s first day was today, and Pan being a great big brother was willing to pose for one more picture… Just one.

Her:  Have I ever told you I love you?

Him:  No.

Her:  I do.

Him:  Still?

Her:  Always….

Happy Anniversary Mr. Incredible!   Hard to believe that after 14 years, I love you more than I did on the day of our wedding, but I do.

Yesterday, Today, and for a Million Tomorrows ~ I love you!

~ Mrs. Incredible